Sunday, May 27, 2007

So Lame, It's Awesome
Usually I'm pretty quick with the good comebacks...and yet...I can absolutely
picture myself saying (and doing) this.

Alison's lame comeback line:

"Your fly is open"
(especially if it's not, then keep staring at their genitals)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

50 More Must Know Facts

Because you can never know too many things about, wait - that's not true. You can totally know too much about someone...but ah well, I like sharing my idiosyncrasies.

1. At the movie theatre I always forget what movie we are going to see. I know when I sit down, then we watch the previews, then I lean over and say to the husband "what movie are we seeing again?" He used to think I was just goofing off but quickly realized that I get too caught up in the previews and genuinely forget.

2. I drive too fast. My right foot is made of lead.

3. I love a good storm. The louder the thunder and the harder the rain, the more I love it.

4. I would love to adopt a child (and probably will some day) but am terrified that they will want to find their birth parents, will find them, fall in love with them, and forget all about me.

5. My least favourite flowers are carnations - I once told the husband that if he ever showed up with carnations for me if was an instant divorce - I wasn't kidding.

6. My husband and I can speak to each other through noises and eye movements. Not just things like "I love you" - but complicated stuff like "can you get me some water and my vitamin on the next commercial break?" - it's bizarre.

7. I loathe cats. They are the animal version of the devil.

8. I often talk in my sleep - but am usually in a half-asleep, yet coherent state when it happens. I will sit up, think that someone is in my room, carry on a full fledged conversation with them, then say out loud "Alison, as if _______ is in your room - lay down and go back to sleep" and I do.

9. When I hang around with someone a lot I tend to take on their mannerisms. I start to laugh like people, I say the things they do, and begin to move my hands and speak in the same way. As if I'm not weird enough on my own.

10. When I doodle I always doodle the same things - my name, my nickname, flowers, the name of whoever is with me, waves, hearts and stars.

11. I hate being out with a group of people and them saying "Can you just throw this in your purse?" I usually end up with keys, cameras, wallets, sunglasses, and all kinds of things that aren't mine. I'm going to quit doing of right now.

12. Sexual innuendos are a big part of my day. I am forever making everyday things dirty.

13. I can't ride an up escalator like a normal person. I usually run and jump on, grab the sides, kind of crouch down, and lean back - like I'm going to vault myself off at the top.

14. If I have the choice of walking through a regular door or the big round ones that are divided into sections but always take way longer to get through - I will take the revolving one, always.

15. One of my favourite things to do is make my husband laugh. I do on a fairly regular basis - but when I'm really on a roll he will say "Oh Shy, you are making me laugh today" and that, to me, is like him telling me that I'm the most beautiful person he has ever seen. It makes my insides smile.

16. Deep down in the pit of my stomach I am terrified to get pregnant again. I want to so badly, but there is a little voice that keeps screaming "NO! What if you die this time?" I'm trying desperately to quiet that voice.

17. I have a certain way of eating every kind of chocolate bar. Caramilk bars I eat square by square, and I flip each square upside down, eat off the bottom, lick out the caramel, then eat the rest of the square. Mars bars I put on a plate, cut into slices, then eat with a knife. Smarties I have to dump out, arrange into colours, then eat evenly - so that there is the same amount in each pile. Etc, etc.

18. I have two birthmarks. One on my left hip and the other a few inches away on the top of my butt cheek.

19. I have 3 tattoos and want more. I will get at least 2 more in my lifetime - I have no doubt.

20. There are only two people in the world that I genuinely worry about what they think of things I do or say, and they aren't who you would expect.

21. I love the word "chagrin" - I don't think it's used nearly enough.

22. I still get excited when I see my byline in a magazine. I hope that thrill never goes away.

23. I have a phobia about touching my eyes, or anyone else touching theirs. I will often yell "Don't, don't, don't" and then cover my own eyes and gag.

24. To go with #24, when I go to get an eye exam and you have to put your face up against that machine and it blows air in your eye to check the muscle in your eyes or some crap - I freak out. And I mean freak. Like I am 5 years old and they just told me I can NEVER see my parents again. I almost cry every time.

25. I love to wear heels. They make me feel sexy. I sometimes prance around my apartment in them when I'm home by myself wearing undies and a t-shirt. It is not sexy then. Definitely not.

26. I wish I had a gay male friend. Really. I think a gay guy would be an absolute blast to hang out with.

27. When I need to give my name for something - to get an account on a website, for someone to take my name if I'm waiting in line for something, when someone calls me for a survey on the phone - I will always say my name is Daphne. I don't know why, I don't even really like the name.

28. I hate to iron clothes. I will avoid it at all costs. Usually if something needs to be ironed in order to wear it, I won't buy it.

29. I have an addiction to buying notebooks and pens. I have more of both of those than anyone I know.

30. I can stand in a card aisle for an hour and be completely entertained. And I laugh very, very loudly while I stand there. Usually other people looking for cards are just laughing at me because I can't control myself. I was recently told by a guy in the mall that my laughing put him in a great mood. He said he was having a miserable day, but loved how I laughed so hard at the cards, so that he was happy too. It made my day.

31. I hate my nose. Hate it. It turns up at the end and looks hideous.

32. I wave at people that I don't know when I'm driving. People's first reaction is always to wave back, and it makes me happy.

33. One of my favourite songs to sing karaoke is Love Can Build a Bridge by the Judds. It is one of the lamest songs in the history of the universe, but my best friend and I sing it together all the time.

34. One of my favourite things to drink is Lemon Snapple. Yum.

35. I have this thing about my ears. I love to have them touched and I love people to whisper in them. But if you stand behind me and whisper softly in my ear, I will arch my back and suck in my breath...and then...well, let's just say that it better be my husband that's doing the whispering.

36. I am quite ticklish. All over - but if you tickle my armpits I will almost certainly pee my pants.

37. I worry too much, enough to give me insomnia and make me physically sick, but I have been getting better at letting things go.

38. I hate my fertility doctor so much that I actually grit my teeth to keep from snapping at him, and have to force myself not to slap him every time I see him. I don't think I've ever disliked someone more in my entire life.

39. However, I actually really despise one of the associate editors I work with. She lives far, far away - but more than once I've threatened that if she worked in the city I would drive to her office and beat her up just for being such a bitch.

40. The husband and I are weird about license plates. For instance if your license plate was EKM 459 - we would yell "EEEKEM 459" and point at your license plate. Or if it was PIS 321, we would yell "PISSSSSSSSS 321". We started that a couple years ago and it stuck. Other friends of ours now do it.

41. I talk to myself in the mirror when I'm getting ready in the morning. Nothing in-depth, I just like to talk.

42. My favourite kind of donut is old-fashioned plain. You know, the kind with no icing, sprinkles or flavour? I love them. They rock.

43. When the husband and I are on long drives and are hungry, we often play this game where we say "if I could eat anything right now, it would be ________". Then the next person will take their turn. It can go on for an hour sometimes.

44. Music so affects me that it can alter my outlook for an entire day. It has the power to take me from happy to sad, sad to happy, serious to silly, silly to romantic, you get the idea. I Heart Music.

45. My body lotion is Johnson's Baby Lotion. You would not believe the compliments I get on the way that I smell.

46. When I get a new phone book every year, the first thing I do is flip it open to make sure our name and phone number is there.

47. When I clean my ears I use Q-tips, and I put them so far into my ear that my eyes roll back in my head and my mouth falls open.

48. My sister-in-law and I are not close. She is younger than me and is nothing like somebody I want to be - yet she has the ability to make me feel like the most un-cool person out there. I hate that she can do that to me.

49. I like to drive. If you are at my house and you need to go 45 minutes across the city to pick up a pack of gum I'll take you. For the price of gas you would think I would be smarter - but I'm not.

50. Even though my profession is as an editor, I still make grammar mistakes, and I occasionally spell things wrong. I used to always spell the word accommodate wrong until I learned this line: Accommodate is big enough to hold both two c's and two m's.
So lame, but I never forget how to spell it now.